Well, it has been quite some time since my last post. I swear I had every intention of updating this blog regularly. Really. *ahem*
That being said, quite a bit has happened in the interim. In 2010, I lost my mother to what felt like a very short bout with neuroendocrine cancer. I took time off work to take her to her chemotherapy, and then, to take care of her in her final months. After she passed, I struggled with all of the usual caregiver doubts. I worried that I hadn’t given my mom enough pain medicine to cope with her pain, or that I gave her too much and it hastened her end. Did I offer her enough liquids? Should I have forced food on her more frequently? Was she comfortable? Why didn’t I say what I wanted to say so many times? Did she hear me when I told her I loved her at the end, and that we would remember the light she brought into this world?
For that first year, every time I thought about my mother, I felt I was reliving the pain of losing her all over again. I felt that deep feeling of regret and hurt, a loss that I wish no one ever had to feel. Time and again, I saw that woman around town, with hardly any hair dressed in a pink jump suit and tan jacket, that made me stop in my tracks, fighting the urge to chase her down crying “Mom! Is that you?!” Every time I saw this woman, I knew it was not my mother. I had watched her body be laid to rest in the cold, wet ground of the cemetery.
Once I returned to work, there was continued turmoil. It may or may not have been influenced by my grief, before I finally switched jobs. My new job is fantastic and fits very well with my spouse working towards a masters in Neuroscience.
At the end of 2011, I welcomed my very first child into the world. My sweet little girl. Prior to her delivery, I struggled with the knowledge that my mom would never meet my daughter. My mom had always told me that my husband and I would make beautiful babies. Then our little girl came along and turn our world on its head. Oh, how right my mom was! In so many ways. Like she predicted, I have never loved any person or thing as much as I love that little girl. All those little things that used to put me in STRESS! mode fell away. So long as I can keep her safe, sound, happy, and loved… the world is as it should be.
There were a lot of big and little things that happened between 2010 and now that I have simply glossed over. Now, my little girl is five months old and I am even closer to finishing my very first novel. It is still titled “Waking Dreams”. Someday it may have a better title, but I will wait until I finish these last few chapters before committing.
Hopefully my posts hereafter will be (a) more frequent and (b) more cheerful.
– The Rambler
7 thoughts on “”
I'm pretty excited to be the first to comment. 🙂
Don't worry about future posts being more cheerful. Write from your heart and it will come. This post was true and heartfelt and that's what makes it worth reading. (Those “caregiver doubts” are a pain in the a$$, aren't they?!)
Overjoyed to meet you!!! And don't try to be anything other than you are. Congrats on your baby and come on come on (channeling Janis Joplin) re the last chapters!! Homestretch baby!!
Thanks! This may be just the encouragement I need! 🙂
Thanks! It is good to be back to writing, in one form or another. 🙂
Thanks s-a-h-mother! And you are absolutely right – those caregiver doubts are a pain. I am thankful to experience a sense of peace now, rather than surges of guilt and regret.
You were the second commenter, actually! I made sure to put a helpful and informative “first!” comment on her 2012 post before sharing the link to her blog. 0:)